The Rain, the Park, and Other Things

Well. Ten minutes left of my birthday!!! Yaah today is my birthday, good ol' 20. I'm not a teenager anymore! That's so nuts. I haven't updated for a while and should really be working on my paper--OMG I STARTED MY PAPER AT 11:30 IT'S DUE AT 9AM HOW DUMMMBBB. But Tara and Emy were insistent that I shouldn't work on my paper on my birthday so that I can fully take it in. aosfaiofj whatever. I'm gonna probably go to bed at like 4 anyway. Sometimes I really hate myself haha. Anywayyy. This morning I checked out some apartments and they were not that impressive. Tomorrow we're looking at supposedly better ones (and they do seem better, at least on the internet??) and so I'm excited for that. And then Krysia is coming to visit, so that will also be nice. But oh, I really just want to do nothing this weekend. Study and sleep, that's all. Not a good setting for entertaining a guest, but I'll try. Oh um ALSO (hahaha) Emy and Tara took me (well technically I drove) out to dinner to EL TORO good Mexican food!!!! And it was yummy, and Emy was so sly when she said "UM ALSO IT'S HER BIRTHDAY." Lol. Kinda had to be there to get the full effect of her smooth talking. Then all the Mexican waiters came out with a giant ice cream with cinnamon on it and in some sort of shell...then our waiter proceeded to take a spoonful of the ice cream and I thought he was going to feed me it or something so I opened my mouth but then he smeared the ice cream on my nose, cheeks, and chin...and then spilled some on my shirt. lol. Nice. I didn't really care though. I thought it was funny. Weird ice cream though..what was IN that??? No se. I do really love Emy and Tara though. They're so funny and I love being with them because they make me laugh so dang much! :) We came back to the room and watched the Office and TRIED to watch ANTM but stupid CW channel is retarded here. Office was good though. Aaaand omG my mom ordered me a bouquet of cookie flowers and it was delivered to me this morning. AMAZING. Wonderful!!!! I love my mommy so so much. It's such a cute cookie bouquet too, and tasty: Now I am writing my paper, or at least trying to. I have the header done...oh man I am so awesome. *sigh* Okay maybe I could magically be done by 3. Yes? Let's try. OH also I went to the Of Montreal concert with Emy and it RoXoReD. Too bad girls were fwapping us with their hair and we were standing for 5 hours straight and there were dumb white guys trying to be cool and rap but really weren't. The rest of the concert was really awesome though. ( of montreal ) Good day. Yeah, it was. :)

I'm soooooo bad at talking :/

...I'm just so awkward.

Classes are going very well. I really like War, Military Institutions and Society to 1815--very interesting, and it's like we're THERE at each battle my professor describes. He tells us about formations of soldiers and how they hold their shields and how boats would attack each other...Some pretty cool stuff.

Italian is still one of my favorites...I realized tonight that it's in that class I feel at ease and myself with other people. That's good. And the people I talk to the most in the class are two GUYS. Oh em gee. How'd that happen? I've known them since last year, though. Still, a pretty big accomplishment for me...

I'm also taking Ancient and Medieval Art History, which I'm liking so far, even though I have a feeling it may be a bit of a snoozefest during lectures. My TA is really cool.

Elements of Psycholinguistics...pretty fascinating stuff, though boring sometimes, too. I don't really care how much effort has been put into trying to teach language to animals--they already know how to communicate with each other and we're able to communicate with them to a CERTAIN EXTENT. That extent is simply not meant to be furthered and it CAN'T be furthered! Chimps and gorillas may be able to utter a few English words with lots of practice and time, but they're not meant to carry on conversations and learn grammar. First of all, it's physically impossible--humans are the only species that have the correct anatomy to speak the way we speak. Secondly, it's just not meant to be. We're the dominant species on this planet and are meant to talk and cook chickens and play baseball and do HUMAN things. ... At any rate, the class is still relatively interesting.

Sociocultural Anthropology. Haha. Where do I begin...My professor is 83 years old and "will probably teach until he dies," so says my TA. He has a deep, thick accent, which I am assuming is Burmese since he is from Burma. It kind of sounds like an English accent, only without so much force. During class all he does is address one problem about the reading we've done the night before and makes the same statement over and over and over again, only with different combinations of words and sentences. He's hilarious though. He has grey hair and a jet-black mustache; he's a character, to say the very least.

There's just tons and tons more reading for me to do, that's the bad thing about this semester. Oh! But what's good is that I've officially become an International Studies major and an Anthropology minor (I USED to be an Anthro major), so I think I'm making progress with my life plan, whatever that may turn out to be.

I'm also babysitting the kids of two professors, and they're very cute (the children, not the professors, silly). And it's ironic because after having such a difficult time finding a job over the summer (SUCH a nightmare), I might have two real jobs by next week...I never intended on having more than one job, but things have worked out as such that I might be a patron at Krannert Center for the Performing Arts (where music concerts are) and/or a book retriever for the Main Library. I interviewed for both of them today, so we'll see how things go.

I'm such a procrastinator. Also, I feel a lot dumber this year. Additionally, when people meet me, I don't think they think about me much more afterwards. I'm not a very memorable person. That kind of bothers me. But at least I'm not remembered for anything bad...I hope?

Yeah...this reading is not going to get done tonight. I'm already feeling the sleepy. Congratulations for making it all the way through this message. Buona notte, goodnight.




**PS--at the end of Italian today I told my professor (in Italian): "Just to let you know, it's possible that I'll be a little late on Thursdays because the class before Italian is far away." She gave me a pleased look and told me I did a great job using subjunctive in the sentence. I was grinning the whole way home. Hehe. :)

GRRRR. I keep attempting to make tie-dye shirts and they KEEP GETTING SCREWED UP. The first shirt I made is AMAZING. Absolutely incredible, my biggest life-accomplishment yet, obviously. The second one wasn't too good, the green completely washed out because the ink became too diluted with water. OKAY THEN, buy more stuff and another shirt...Actually I bought two shirts, one for me and one for Steven--who paid me for his shirt. HIS shirt, which I did, turned out awesome. MINE?!?! MIIIIINE>! The red and orange faded to a pink. :( :( :( Ew. And it's LIGHT pink. Grooosssss. I guess I'll still wear it but I really wanted it to turn out the way I WANTED. I think they faded because those colors were leftovers...I guess you can only use this brand of ink right away, right outta the box. Stupid. So do I really want to go buy another pack of dyes (the best bargain would be to buy a 6-pack of dyes for $20, oye) and a shirt ($3)? Yes. But I don't want to spend the money. :( But ohhh, so much disappointment.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I hate it when my mom is so kind to alert me that I'm being moody. I think I know when I'm being moody because I'm only moody when a) I am sleep-deprived and b) when I'm upset about something.

Went to a wedding with a guy yesterday...had only been out with him once before. I get excited when I get attention from a guy, any guy at that. But the problem with me is that I immediately think "maybe this is it!" when I don't even feel anything for the guy. I only get excited because I'm getting NOTICED, not because of how I may or may not feel. I really should stop doing that.

Won't mention his name but the majority of you went to high school with him. He's a very nice, clever, mature gentleman and friend, but dangit, he just isn't that fun or spunky. The wedding was pleasant; not loads of fun, though. And it was strange being around his family for an entire evening when I'd never met any of them before. I found it a relief (no pun intended) when I escaped away to the bathroom so that I could be to myself for a few minutes.

The reason I am upset is because all day I've felt kind of awkward and bored and hopeless. I don't really know how else to explain it...but it directly has to do with the fact that I hate being so picky when it comes to guys. I've just experienced another failure; I am now 0 for 4. More and more am I feeling like I'm just completely incompatible with the male species. I'm terrified that one day I'm going to end up settling and being unhappy for the rest of my life.

All that, mixed in with a just a pinch of identity crisis--oh, that again?--and a dollop of loneliness.

I don't really feel like spewing that out to my mom, so I'll just let her think I'm tired. Well, tired and extremely pissed off. I H A T E it when people tell me I'm moody, hate it hate it hate it. Chances are I'm moody for a reason so just back off, mmkay!?

That's what I want to say. Ughh. I should just go to bed, that's usually the only thing that calms me down.

JERRY: You know I know this sounds a little arrogant but I never thought she would find anyone she would like better than me. But ya know, I guess I had my chance and that's that.
GEORGE: You know what I would like to do? I would really like to have sex with a tall woman. I mean really tall. Like a, like a giant. Like six five.
JERRY: Really?
GEORGE: What was the tallest woman you ever slept with?
JERRY: I don't know … six three.
GEORGE: Wow, … god! You see this is all I think about. Sleeping with a giant. It's my life's ambition.
JERRY: So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than say, Thomas Edison, Magellan, these types of people.
GEORGE: Magellan? You like Magellan?
JERRY: Oh, yeah. My favorite explorer. Around the world. Come on. Who do you like?
GEORGE: I like DeSoto.
JERRY: DeSoto? What did he do?
GEORGE: Discovered the Mississippi.
JERRY: Oh. like they wouldn't have found that anyway.

So I think I want to change my major to International Relations...and then because I already have considerable credit in Anthropology, I'll make Anthropology a Minor, which will actually fit perfectly with International Relations. I still don't know what I'm going to do with Italian, though. I'd really like to make it a major but oy vey, at this rate I'm thinking I might have to spend an extra semester or two at school. Yeeeesh. But isn't it cool, people said I would eventually figure out what I want to do and lo and behold, it's really happening!!!!

Hah, even though I've never taken an International Relations course. Eeep. I'm hoping that when I get to school and sit in on one of those lectures (since I'm not actually in an IS class at this point) I'll be intrigued. And why wouldn't I? It has to do with solving problems and studying aspects of the international world--right up my alley of things I think would be awesome to do with a career. I'm even thinking of maybe dropping a course this coming semester that I had planned to go towards a degree in Italian so that I can take PS280: Intro to International Relations. I think that'd be the good place to start.

But ohhhh if I don't like International Relations then I am right back where I started lol, unsure of whether or not Anthropology is right for me and what I could possibly do with that. Eh, I'm feeling pretty optimistic about things right now, I'll worry about it if it happens.

frick frick FRICK i am so ANGRY.



I just came back from a walk with my mom. Topic of conversation? My cousins, Johnny (8) and Alex (12), who are possessed by demons. I'm not even joking.

"I hate my mom. She makes my life hell. She is the devil."

Alex wrote that on the wooden frame of her mattress recently. She also punched her mom (my aunt) while she was about to go down the stairs. Additionally she kicked her mom's seat while on the highway driving at 60+ mph coming home from Ohio and managed to actually MOVE her seat.

Alex wears a thick layer of makeup and has it on at least by 10 o'clock am. A classmate of hers once said of Alex, "Tina used to be my bitch. Now Alex is my bitch." Johnny overheard; Aunt Mel was outraged (who can blame her?).

Alex thinks she is a 20-year old girl who has this simply WRETCHED life because her mom is evil. (FALSE.)

My aunt is the victim of this situation. She is a single parent, though not by her fault. SHE is the one who has to suffer through every day. SHE is the one who has to live the wretched life because of her CHILDREN, who have no respect for her whatsoever. Her children mock her and laugh at her. My aunt has sacrificed so, so much so that her kids can at least TRY to have a somewhat normal life without their dad. She shows them love; they show her hate. She is running out of options.

Johnny isn't as bad as Alex--he just takes after her, imitates her. He doesn't know right from wrong because of Alex. When they were in the car coming back from Ohio, they popped "The Black Dahlia" into their DVD player and watched it with their headphones. My aunt didn't know because they had sneaked it out from her personal DVD collection. The Black Dahlia. THE BLACK DAHLIA. Lord, help them.

Of course, they don't act like monsters when they are in public or around relatives--good heavens, no. They put on this cutesy, nice cover and act like innocent children, asking questions like "What do you want to be when you grow up?" They're angels when they're not alone with their mom. But once they are, the switch is flipped and they start rebuking her for no reason whatsoever.

When they were all over at my house one evening not too long ago, they were acting all nice and innocent. It was what my aunt would call "a good night." I decided to pop in "She's the Man" (a MUCH more appropriate film) and we all started laughing and giggling at Amanda Bynes, that funny funny gal. And yet as soon as Aunt Mel started to make so much as a chuckle or a smirk at a scene, both children glared at her and demanded that she stop laughing--"Why are you laughing? Oh my gosh, mom. Stop laughing. Stop." Once they said that I immediately gave a light yet firm scolding to the kids, saying "What, now your mom isn't allowed to LAUGH at a funny movie? YOU STOP. Don't tell your mom she can't laugh, we're laughing, people are ALLOWED TO LAUGH." They quieted.

My aunt always calls my mom crying to her, telling her what her kids are doing and how they are treating her. Many times my mom will hear the kids laughing at my aunt and mocking her in the background, which then causes my mom to start yelling at them through the phone...to no avail. Today my aunt called, talking about how she brought the kids to the Taste of Chicago earlier--but it was for HER, not the kids. A friend of hers had invited them to go with her and her own kids. When my aunt was talking to my mom, she said she had to go so that she could have some "her" time, which, yeah, I agree, she does need some time with a friend, because she doesn't have many. As soon as she said that to my mom, the kids started making fun of her, saying "You have no friends. You're a loser!"

*At this point in the post I am nearly grinding my teeth they are clenched so tight together*

My aunt recently pulled Alex out of her "gifted school"--sure, Alex is a smart girl, but by no means does she deserve the title of "gifted." "Troubled" and "has issues" is more like it....Anyway, yeah, she pulled her out because the kids she would hang out with at school were proving to be a bad influence on Alex. They swear and curse, have this "holier-than-thou" attitude...so no more. And of course, Alex threw a fit.

Their family used to be more religious, so when my parents would remind them "God is watching" and "God knows when you sin" it used to get through to them more. Not anymore, though. I know this situation can only be fixed through love (or boot camp, but Aunt Mel doesn't want to try that just yet), but what more can be done??? They're constantly reminded that sinners go to hell and those who love God and obey him go to Heaven (to give the jist of it), but they shrug it off as though that doesn't apply to them. THEY ARE SO COCKY IT MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH.

She's even tried counseling! After my uncle died, the kids were acting up more so my aunt took them to counseling. After a while it just wasn't working and started getting expensive, so she stopped. That was two years ago. Recently my aunt called their former counselor crying, saying she's sorry, but she just doesn't know what else to do. She literally had to drag Alex, who was so politely kicking and screaming, to the car and to the appointment.

Sometimes I think that maybe if I say something brief but really bold, then maybe it would get through to them since I'm not an adult, and since they like me still--I think.

What I REALLY want to do is scream in their faces: "Don't you know how lucky you are?! Your dad abandoned you. Your mom could have done the same but she didn't. Even though you make her life a LIVING HELL every single day, she remains completely devoted to you. She pays for you to be enrolled in sports leagues, she works extra shifts so she can afford to pay for special trips that you don't even deserve! Don't you get it?! One day you are going to cause your mom to have a heart attack from stressing her out so much, and that'll be it. There'll be no going back. You think you're so mature and cool--YOU'RE NOT. YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HIT PUBERTY YET, AND YET YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND LIVE ON YOUR OWN (Alex has screamed this to her mom on more than one occasion). How the hell do you think you'd survive without your mom? The only reason she hasn't given up on you yet is because she loves you. You don't deserve it. Why do you think we don't visit you as much as we used to? Why do you think my brothers and I always say 'no' when you ask us do something with you?! It's because we know how you treat your mom, and it disgusts us. I've never been so disappointed and appalled by anyone in my entire life. I may love you, but I don't love who you are."






I'm sorry for ranting. I doubt anyone will even read this unless he or she is extremely bored. These kids...once I start thinking about them, I can't stop. It literally gets my blood boiling. I just want to smack them every time I see them. I haven't tried to really scold them yet. My aunt is kind of touchy so I'm afraid to try, thinking she'll take it the wrong way. We all pray that they'll get better, but sometimes I feel like that's all we can do.

At the rate they're going, I'm afraid that Alex is going to end up pregnant at 15 or in juvenile delinquency, and that Johnny will follow in her footsteps. What I'm terrified of is the idea of them beating their mom. They're still small, but they're going to grow, and there are two of them. Honestly, I fear for my aunt's life.

LORD, HELP THEM.

So...anyone heard good things about University of Colorado at Boulder or University of Texas at Austin or Texas Christian University?

Stolen from Emy:

List ten songs you are into right now, no matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your LiveJournal along with your ten songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.


Valsapena by Cirque du Soleil

Run by Snow Patrol

Let's Make Love and Listen to Death From Above by CSS

This Gentle Hearts Like Bird's Fallen by A Silver Mt. Zion

Signs of Love by Moby

Young Folks by Peter Bjorn and John

Eyes by Rogue Wave

Starlight by Snow Patrol

Love Child by Diana Ross

Martha My Dear by The Beatles



And I tag:

artistklk88, canttuneafish, stoopid_silly, bobbychuckt, gunstarherosan, oscillatingfan, parrymoppins



I think I did everything right? Golly that took forever.

Soooo I was just at a graduation party for a neighbor/friend, the whole family went since we're old friends...and for most of the time I was hanging out with my friend Kayla, the sister of the graduate, who is only a freshman in high school. I had such a fun time with her and her friends that they invited me over to one of their houses and I did go, and we just hung out.

...

What the @#$! does that mean??? Am I incapable of making friends my own age!?

I think what I like about the younger age group is that, for the most part, they haven't been corrupted (yet...?). They're so innocent and playful and they giggle and they're all pals and buddy buddy. I guess I like that. Maybe because I never had that when I was growing up? I didn't have real "girlfriends" until I was probably their age.

Seriously though. Is that why I made only one real friend at college last year and why I don't always feel all that natural around her, because I can only feel comfortable around younger kids?

What the heck. This is discouraging. Don't get me wrong--anyone and everyone should have friends of all ages. But I'd like to make some new friends that are MY age. Can't I do that? Shouldn't I be able to?

Fine. I'm going to bed.

Create Your Own PaloozaHead - Visit Lollapalooza.com


LOL! Thanks for the link, Chris...haha. This is too funny.

I'm quite proud of myself tonight. I'll be tired for church, but I think this was something that was long overdue. :)

How do I manage to start a measly 3-5 paper the night before it's due and end up with 7 pages at 4am? It's not overachieving, TRUST ME. This is me being retarded. And tired. Goodnight.

Scene: Giovanti's Italian restaurant in Champaign, Alex Woodside and I are enjoying a nice dinner.

*Strange hobo-esque man (who is white) appears. Seems as though he is simply walking by us, but then he slows down and stops right next to me and turns to face us.*

Hobo: "You girls looking for big black men?"
Alex: "...."
Me: "Excuse me? Big what????"
Hobo: "Big black men. White girls love big black men."
Alex and Me: "...."
Hobo: "They're on the north side of town. I can take you there if you want."
Alex: "Um...that's okay..."
Me: "We're good...thanks..."

*Hobo gives strange look, then walks away. Alex and I proceed to burst out laughing, completely flabbergasted.*




LOL. Seriously. What the heck?!